Your best friend knows your story better than anyone. Maybe your aunt has a gift for holding a room, or your brother has been offering to do the honours since the engagement. It’s a lovely idea, and there’s a way to make it happen.

Apart from a few religious bodies that are exempt, the legal part of a New Zealand wedding has to be done by an approved marriage celebrant. Celebrants are appointed by the Registrar-General of Births, Deaths and Marriages (BDM), part of Te Tari Taiwhenua Internal Affairs, and their names are published in the New Zealand Gazette and on the BDM website. Civil unions work the same way under the Civil Union Act 2004, with their own celebrant appointment.

Can your friend become a celebrant for the day?

Not for one day. BDM’s guide for celebrants puts it plainly. “There is no provision to be appointed to perform a ‘one-off’ marriage or civil union.”

The govt.nz page for independent celebrants adds that they must be available to the public, so you can’t become one just to marry friends or family. A Justice of the Peace doesn’t have automatic authority either, although a JP can apply to be a celebrant like anyone else.

If your friend would love to do the role for the long haul, here’s what’s involved. An independent celebrant must be a New Zealand citizen who lives here permanently. The application includes an online test, at least four signed letters of support, two good character referees and a copy of their criminal record from the Ministry of Justice.

The fee is $232, and it’s non-refundable. Under the Marriage Act 1955, the Registrar-General has to be satisfied the applicant is of good character and will do the job conscientiously. Their appointment also has to be in the interests of the public or a particular community.

Decisions usually take 8 to 12 weeks, with an online interview along the way. BDM says applications made between August and December, when renewals are processed, can take up to three months. The Registrar-General also strongly encourages applicants to join Celebrants Aotearoa or The Celebrant Guide, or get celebrant training, at least 12 months before applying.

Organisational celebrants are a separate route, for people who’ll marry couples for an approved church or organisation. Ten members of the organisation sign a statutory declaration nominating them, the fee is $158 and a decision usually takes 3 to 4 weeks. For some churches, including the Anglican, Presbyterian and Roman Catholic churches, you contact the church’s head or central contact rather than applying online.

Share the ceremony instead

The law leaves plenty of room for the people you love. The Marriage Act lets you marry with whatever form and ceremony you think fit, as long as a celebrant and at least two witnesses are there and you each say your vows to the other. BDM’s guide says people other than the celebrant can take part, giving reading a poem or singing a song as examples.

That opens the door to sharing the role. A registered celebrant handles the legal parts, and your friend brings the warmth. The guide lists those legal parts as confirming you’re the people named on the licence, using your full names at some point, your vows to each other in front of at least two witnesses, and signing the registration papers straight afterwards.

The celebrant must take an active role in those legal parts, so talk early about how you’d like to divide things up. Depending on what you agree, your friend might welcome your guests, tell your story or lead a reading, with the celebrant stepping in for the vows and the signing. BDM encourages celebrants to help couples who want to design and write their own ceremony.

Or make it legal first

Another option is to split it in two. A registry ceremony is short, follows a standard format and is held on weekdays between 9am and 5pm. You could make it legal there, then have your friend lead a celebration ceremony with everyone you love, knowing that the later ceremony isn’t the legal one.

Either way, you’ll need a marriage licence, and the ceremony can’t go ahead until your celebrant has it. You can search the list of registered celebrants on the BDM website to find someone who suits you.

Whoever stands at the front, the words that matter most are the ones you say to each other. Let your celebrant look after the paperwork, and let your favourite person help make the moment yours.