Real talk: Navigating guest list politics
Author: Jamie Quinn
- By Jamie Quinn
Putting together the perfect guest list is quite frankly, impossible. It is without a doubt, one of the most emotionally charged tasks that a couple must tackle while planning a wedding. What should simply be bringing your loved ones together to celebrate love, is quickly overshadowed by family politics and complicated logistics.
The guest list is hard enough, even without overbearing parents. Even if parents are contributing towards the day, they simply don’t get the final say. It’s always kind and courteous to consider parental requests and come to a compromise if possible. Ultimately, if you don’t want uncle Stan who you haven’t spoken to in over year at your wedding, then you shouldn’t feel obligated to invite him. Ideally, the parent making the request will be understanding of you and your partner’s feelings and leave it at that.
It’s normal for there to be some disappointment. As long as feelings are exchanged with respect and understanding, arguments can be avoided. However, when a simple request turns into a demand and you and your partner’s values are being disrespected even after expressing your feelings on the matter, it may be time to set some hard boundaries. Remind yourselves this is your special day; your values are what matter most, and your feelings are valid.
While you certainly don’t want to hurt any feelings, you also shouldn’t feel guilty about your decisions. So, what about plus ones? Saying no to plus ones is an easy way to reduce your numbers but can easily upset friends. Etiquette says that married guests should receive an invitation for their spouse. However, for single guests there’s no expectation that a plus one is offered. Whether your budget doesn’t extend far enough for plus ones, or you simply don’t want strangers at your wedding, the easiest way to navigate the conversation is to tell invitees that your venue only caters for x amount of guests and unfortunately, it’s already a full house. Again, there might be some disappointment but those who truly love you and want to celebrate with you, will accept it and move on.
Remember, you and your partner are a team. Talk honestly with each other and make sure you’re on the same page when it comes to narrowing down the guest list. A general starting point is the rule of thirds. One third your family, one third your partner’s family, and one third you and your partner’s friends. This is a rough guide; it won’t always balance equally but it will give you a good starting point. Another way to go, is each of you write a separate list of your must-have guests. Give yourselves two minutes to write down the most important people; these lists should be the people you absolutely cannot get married without. Then sit together, exchange lists, and build on them from there. These initial lists are telling, if aunt Muriel didn’t cross your mind when you were thinking of your favourite people, then her absence probably won’t make or break or day.
The sad truth is, weddings bring out the worst in some people. Those who are supposed to be our biggest supporters, become entitled and loudly opinionated. When it comes to the guest list, everyone thinks they know what’s best and get offended if your values don’t align with theirs. So how do you create a guest list that works? Stay true to yourselves and drown out the noise.
Photo by Wildfolk Photography
Putting together the perfect guest list is quite frankly, impossible. It is without a doubt, one of the most emotionally charged tasks that a couple must tackle while planning a wedding. What should simply be bringing your loved ones together to celebrate love, is quickly overshadowed by family politics and complicated logistics.
The guest list is hard enough, even without overbearing parents. Even if parents are contributing towards the day, they simply don’t get the final say. It’s always kind and courteous to consider parental requests and come to a compromise if possible. Ultimately, if you don’t want uncle Stan who you haven’t spoken to in over year at your wedding, then you shouldn’t feel obligated to invite him. Ideally, the parent making the request will be understanding of you and your partner’s feelings and leave it at that.
It’s normal for there to be some disappointment. As long as feelings are exchanged with respect and understanding, arguments can be avoided. However, when a simple request turns into a demand and you and your partner’s values are being disrespected even after expressing your feelings on the matter, it may be time to set some hard boundaries. Remind yourselves this is your special day; your values are what matter most, and your feelings are valid.
While you certainly don’t want to hurt any feelings, you also shouldn’t feel guilty about your decisions. So, what about plus ones? Saying no to plus ones is an easy way to reduce your numbers but can easily upset friends. Etiquette says that married guests should receive an invitation for their spouse. However, for single guests there’s no expectation that a plus one is offered. Whether your budget doesn’t extend far enough for plus ones, or you simply don’t want strangers at your wedding, the easiest way to navigate the conversation is to tell invitees that your venue only caters for x amount of guests and unfortunately, it’s already a full house. Again, there might be some disappointment but those who truly love you and want to celebrate with you, will accept it and move on.
Remember, you and your partner are a team. Talk honestly with each other and make sure you’re on the same page when it comes to narrowing down the guest list. A general starting point is the rule of thirds. One third your family, one third your partner’s family, and one third you and your partner’s friends. This is a rough guide; it won’t always balance equally but it will give you a good starting point. Another way to go, is each of you write a separate list of your must-have guests. Give yourselves two minutes to write down the most important people; these lists should be the people you absolutely cannot get married without. Then sit together, exchange lists, and build on them from there. These initial lists are telling, if aunt Muriel didn’t cross your mind when you were thinking of your favourite people, then her absence probably won’t make or break or day.
The sad truth is, weddings bring out the worst in some people. Those who are supposed to be our biggest supporters, become entitled and loudly opinionated. When it comes to the guest list, everyone thinks they know what’s best and get offended if your values don’t align with theirs. So how do you create a guest list that works? Stay true to yourselves and drown out the noise.
Photo by Wildfolk Photography
